Who hasn’t felt judged, inadequate, or insufficient at some point? If you’ve never felt any of these, you may have lived a life that was overly shielded. (And yes – there, you’ve just been judged.)
Most of us, out in the open and taking our shot at the tragi-comic realities of life and work, are familiar with these feelings, gently imposed on us by “them.” Here, I use they / them as a placeholder for the people, groups, society, or culture we interact with.
You may now be thinking, “So what?”
Quite a lot, actually.
How you live, what you believe you’re capable of, what you’re willing to attempt, and how far – or in which direction – you’re willing to go are all, to some extent, conditioned by them.
I believe that it is precisely when that conditioning becomes too tight – like clothing that doesn’t fit right – that we start feeling the need to do something to fix something. And no, we almost never identify the root cause of that tightness correctly.
It is like this: instead of buying better-fitting clothes, we go on an unsustainable diet to make the tight clothes fit better. It never works properly. Same story, over and over again – except that each time we are a bit more worn, a bit more disheartened, and at some point totally convinced that there is something wrong with us.
There is nothing wrong with you, me, or anybody else (as long as none of us is suffering from a mental condition – in which case, yes, one should seek professional, clinical help). It is a simple case of allowing yourself to be who you are, and then making choices and taking actions that are aligned with your being. Going back to my clothing analogy: know and love your own body, and go shop for clothes that fit and flatter it. Nothing else needs fixing.
I would be amiss not to point out that this alignment between being and acting is exactly what coaching is for. A coaching relationship can be profoundly supportive for the coachee – a safe, energizing space that provides just enough momentum until you naturally find, and trust, your own course.
Nil Kalagoglu, December 20, 2025
Exintus™ Coaching 