Today, I want to talk about conflict. One of the main culprits of undue stress in our lives. Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines conflict (as it applies in this discussion) as “mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands.”
If we accept this definition (which I do), would it follow then that we need to increase the compatibility and harmony among our needs and desires, as well as internal and external demands, to reduce conflict in our lives? I believe yes, it would.
Note that there are two conflicts in this definition. The conflict that happens within and the conflict that happens between the internal and external. I’d say they warrant their separate discussion, and I will start with the internal conflict as it is impossible to establish harmony between external and internal demands when the latter is unclear.
By no means do I claim that what comes next here is my “knowledge” or is the “correct” view. This is my take on the issue, just a perspective…
- First key observation: There is a trade-off between every choice we make. When we say yes to something, we say no to other things instead.
Example: When you decide to go to bed later than your usual time, you may be saying no to your regular sleep amount, a relaxed morning with the news, a fun walk with your dog, or else. - Second key observation: Even though one believes they want something, one does not always know the “diminishing returns” to that something once it weighs heavily in one’s life.
Example: You may think you would enjoy a life of earning passive income and not having to work, but once you reach that point, you may find this lifestyle devoid of meaning and get bored after a while. - Third key observation: Quite often, the internal conflict we experience is rooted in an external pressure, which is hard to call out unless one asks themselves the right questions.
Example: You have decided to go to the gym after work. But come that time, you feel conflicted between “your” earlier decision to go to the gym and your exhaustion after a long day — the gym has become a chore you feel obligated to do, and if you don’t go, you feel guilty.
The three observations, if you agree with them, would result in the following conclusions:
- By living more intentionally and being aware of to what we are saying “Yes” and “No,” we can convert conflict into conscious choices and reap the fruits of our good choices. This, though, is not as easy as I just made it sound. If you read Daniel Kahneman’s Thinking, Fast and Slow, you will see it takes practice (and frankly, the journey never ends) to gain this ability of “thinking slow” (with your System 2, as he calls it).
- The trade-offs are actually prices. It is like a barter system. Two hours of a late night out partying costs three hours of low productivity in the morning. Eating an extra spicy bowl of gumbo trades off with two hours of stomach ache where you don’t dare to leave the vicinity of your bathroom. While I am trying to stick to lighter examples, I cannot help but give a much-loaded example. When one starts a family, one trades off certain ways of their life for new ones. The promise to pay is done upfront and collection of the goods comes later. Some of the most valued goods (e.g. children, first few fun years, attractiveness of partners) are delivered upfront, and the goods that are delivered later on are often not enough to convince one or both of the parties to keep paying the price.
- We should try to get to know ourselves better before we start shaping our thoughts and actions toward these beliefs about our own wants and needs, when such beliefs may be unproven, untested, and frankly, not rooted in who we really are. This also ties in with the point above. Knowing how much you’re willing to pay for what is a key trait.
- When dealing with decisions that involve our wants and choices, we should always watch out and ask: “Is that my want, or was I somehow coaxed into believing that I should want this? Did I make this decision, or was I gulled into making it?” If we catch that the latter is true, we should go back to what caused us to become gullible in the first place – that’s the gateway for external pressures to sneak into our decision-making as if they were our choices. Once we find the last point in the thought chain where the desire was ours, ours only, we can take it in the direction we want. Going back to the earlier example, maybe you wanted to improve your health in a social environment after sitting in front of a computer all day. With everyone going to a gym and all those ads you see on social media, you thought this is what you should do, too.
Now, if you are with me up to this point, I presume you have an idea where I am going with all this. I am talking about LIVING EVERY MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE INTENTIONALLY. This sentence actually summarizes it all.
Imagine you wake up and start your day not because you woke up that day, but because you consciously decide to live that day. You may be doing not-so-fun things, experiencing hurt and pain that day. Or you may be having a blast. They would all be the results of your conscious, deliberate choices — trade-offs you agreed to because they met your standards of valuation. It would be your day in your life. Then, even if a moment is sad or hard, you can actually be content in it. You would be rid of internal conflict because your internal world would be balanced.
I will write more about this after I have also covered the conflict between internal and external demands (Part II of this). For now, I believe I left you with enough to think about…
Stay Smurfy!
Nil
Exintus℠ Coaching 